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tales from the toilet

Tales from the Toilet

We humans have a very peculiar way of spending our time in public washrooms. From the “Does this dress make my ass look huge?” to “Do girls have sprinklers in their vaginas, my gawd the toilet seats”, every one of us is guilty of judging each other by the way we pee and act in public washrooms. I am a hundred and ten percent certain that many of us have witnessed or experienced the most outrageous scenes in the washrooms. Oh, if walls could talk, they’d be disgusted, but oh if they could gossip about the weird human species. Below are my top seven memorable toilet encounters. It’s not one of your typical top ten articles, but then again this is not your typical topic choice for an article either. It’s weird, just like my encounters.

Ew! Someone puts boogers on the bathroom stalls. Seriously?! There’s toilet paper right there. USE IT! Sometimes it’s nice to use a clean bathroom stall. Also, I quite enjoy reading the vandalism telling me I’m beautiful and not to forget to take the pill. So please, use the toilet paper and don’t disrupt my daily affirmations written so beautifully on the walls.

Vagina sprinklers. You all know who you are. If you’re squatting while peeing, please adjust yourself and surprisingly there is this box connected to the wall and it magically dispenses toilet paper!!! How amazing is that?!

The hand. Yes, it’s exactly what you’re thinking. I once had a stranger in the stall next door asks me for more toilet paper, with her hand sticking out from her own stall into mine. I don’t know what’s more terrifying, seeing a hand, or asking a stranger on the john for toilet paper. I guess desperate times call for desperate measures.

Toilet seat. Women normally do not pee with the toilet seat up. There are times I go to use the toilet and no, it’s not a start of a new day and the janitor has come in to clean the toilets, it’s actually at times when the washroom is busy. WHY IS IT UP?! One of you ladies, please explain to me why you put up the toilet seat!

No, I don’t share my lipstick. I was at a job interview and before going in, I decided to use the washroom to freshen up my make-up. I was minding my own business and putting on my favourite MAC Girl About Town lipstick, when a lady complimented me on my lipstick. I politely thanked her and went on about my business when she asked if she could use my lipstick. I stared at her blankly through the mirror hoping she realized what she asked, and sure enough she was waiting for an answer. I told her I was fighting a cold sore… really?!

Make the humming stop! I am no fan of hummers. I stop a family member, friend, or co-worker dead in their track with a cut eye, or a cringe. Humming is my biggest pet peeve, so you can imagine what it felt like hearing someone hum throughout her whole time in the bathroom. She was humming as she walked in, gave me a smile as I was getting out of the stall, she continued to hum as she entered the stall, and of course she kept humming as she peed. I cringed a few times as she paused in the middle of her humming…. Quite disturbing.

Ever encountered a stranger kicking stall doors open to see if the toilet is clean? Yeah, me too.

Share your most outrageous bathroom encounters, and remember to wash your hands before you start typing.  Also, don’t use your phone while on the toilet, the echoes, and flushing of toilets kind of giving away your whereabouts… just saying.

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